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What
meal do cannibals make from politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
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What kind of party did the friends of the female
vampire give her before her wedding?
A blood bath.
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How do cannibals cook politicians?
In a crock pot!
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As a golfer teed up at precisely his reserved time,
he was tapped on the shoulder. The intruder handed
him a note which read, "I am deaf and mute.
Please let me play through."
"This is MY tee-off time," the golfer
bellowed, shaking his head vigorously. "Your
handicap doesn't entitle you to play through!"
Then he proceeded to drive his ball straight down
the fairway.
"Nice shot," the fellow's caddie said as
they headed off the tee, leaving the deaf-mute
fuming.
While lining up his next shot, the golfer was
struck on the head by a ball. Turning around
angrily, he spotted the deaf-mute holding up his
hand. "What is he doing?" asked the
golfer, squinting into the sun.
"I believe he's holding up four fingers,"
the caddie replied!
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Patient: My leg hurts.
Doctor: Have you had this pain before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
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Thief: Stick 'em down!
Cashier: Don't you mean stick 'em up?
Thief: Oh! No wonder I haven't made any money
today!
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Jake: I've formed a new musical quartet with three
other carpenters.
Ed: What do you call yourselves?
Jake: The Tuba Fours.
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Mike: I hear that you went fishing last week. Did
you get anything?
Sid: Yep. Sunburned and mosquito bites.
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Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight,
but you'll have to make your own bed.
Saul: That's no problem.
Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.
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Did you hear about the guy who's in Leavenworth
because he was making big money?
Yep, about a third of an inch too big.
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There was a little boy who couldn't manage to
remember the participle 2 for "go".
Whilst building present the perfect structure he
was always using 'went' instead of 'gone' and the
result was 'I have went' instead of 'I have gone'.
His teacher was about to drive cracked with him
and one sunny noon decided to give a little punish
to the bad pupil.
The teacher told 'OK, Billy, sit here and listen
to me attentively: you may go home only after
having written a hundred times 'I have gone'.'
Having come back in several minutes he found a
message Billy left for him. The contents vowed 'I
have written a hundred times 'I have gone' and now
I have went.'
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When Noah told the animals to go forth and
multiply, why did the snakes disobey?
Because they were adders.
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Nurse: Have your eyes been checked recently?
Patient: No, they've always been solid blue.
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Boss: That man next to you is doing twice as much
work as you are!
Joe: I know that, sir. I keep telling him, but he
won't slow down!
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Mother: Johnny, I left two pieces of cake in the
cupboard this morning; I see there is only one
piece there. Where is the other? Can you tell me?
Johnny: It was too dark, Mummy. I could not see
the other piece.
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Customer: I would like a book, please.
Bookseller: Something light?
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An American couple is visiting Russia for the
first time, and while in Moscow, they decide to
hire a guide. Using the telephone book, it didn't
take them long to hire a tour guide, a young man
named Rudolph. The tour began at the Kremlin,
proceded to the Bolshoi, and then on to Red Square.
Just after they'd arrived at the square, it began
to drizzle a little and Rudolph commented, "It's
starting to rain. Perhaps we should return to your
hotel."
"No," said the husband. "It is only
snowing. Let's continue the tour." Rudolph
again insisted that it was raining and the husband
again argued that it was snowing. Two or three
more comments about the weather passed before the
little woman poked her husband in the ribs and
whispered, "Better let him have his way. This
is Russia and Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!"
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Jane: Am I too late for the garbage?
Garbage man: No, ma'am. Hop right in!
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Rick: How was your vacation at the beach?
Dick: Terrible. It was so dull that on the third
day the tide went out and never came back!
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Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map, Jack?
Jack: Nobody, sir.
Teacher: Didn't your brother help you?
Jack: No, sir. He drew it all himself.
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Professor: Can you tell me anything about the
great chemists of the 17th century?
Student: Yes, sir, they are all dead sir.
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Jim: Joe is really lazy.
Slim: You're right. I wish he'd at least learn a
trade so we'd know just what kind of work he's out
of!
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Mike: Call me a doctor!
Ike: Why, are you very sick?
Mike: No, I just graduated from medical school!
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What's the easiest way to catch a fish?
Get someone to throw one to you.
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Sam: What a smart dog to be able to play poker
with you!
Fran: Not really. Whenever he gets a good hand, he
wags his tail.
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A disrespectful calf
Bob: Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the
woods.
Rob: The dog must enjoy that.
Bob: He sure does, but I think the tramp is
getting a little tired of it.
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Ron: I only gamble for laughs.
Don: Me too. Last week I laughed away my car.
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Mom: Did you have a good time at the zoo today,
Junior?
Junior: Yes I did. Dad liked it too. Especially
when one of the animals came in at twenty-to-one!
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Mom: We can't keep a horse in the house. Think of
the smell.
Son: Don't worry. They'll get used to it!
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Friend: Gee, you smell good. What have you got on?
David: Clean socks.
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First guy: Say, are you warm from the sun?
Second guy: No, I'm Smith from the Times.
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Patient: Doc, I have trouble falling asleep at
night.
Doctor: Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and
you'll soon drop off.
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It was an amazing coincidence that all three of
the daughters in the Potato family came home on
the same day to announce that they were going to
get married. Father was surprised and figured that
he had just better sit down with each girl in
order to make sure that they had selected a proper
mate. Calling on his eldest daughter first, they
retired to Dad's den.
"So, daughter, tell me about this special guy
in your life," said Dad
"Oh, Daddy," gushed his daughter, "I'm
so happy! Jimmy Mashedpotato has asked me to marry
him and I said yes."
"Well, that's wonderful," said Father.
"Jimmy is a wonderful boy and the
Mashedpotato family is very respected in our
community. You have my blessings."
Calling in his second daughter, Mr. Potato
repeated the question he had posed to the eldest.
"Oh, Pop," gushed daughter number two,
"Eddie Sweetpotato asked me to marry him
today and I'm so happy!"
"Well," replied her father, "that's
wonderful. Eddie is a nice young man and the
Sweetptotato family is very influential. You have
my blessings." Calling in his youngest, Pop
Potato was feeling good about the choices his
other two daughters had made, and so without
hesitation, he once again asked about the young
man in her life. "Oh, Dad," gushed
daughter number three. "I'm just so excited.
Dan Rather has asked me to marry him and I said
yes."
"Dan Rather?" exploded her father.
"Dan Rather? You can't marry Rather...he's
just a commentator!"
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Jocks
A man
asked another to give him five dollars.
"Why?-said the other."I don`t know you.
"That`s why I ask you, for those who know me,
wouldn`t give me five cents."
At
doctor`s:
"What`s the matter? I do not touch your tooth."
"No, but you are standing on my corn."
"Have
you lived here all your live?"
"Not yet."
"Have
you seen me on television?"
"Yes, on and off."
"How did you like me?"
"Off."
Farmer:
Here on the farm we go to bed with the chickens.
City man: In the city we`d rather sleep in our own beds.
"What
is it? Do you study chemistry?"
"No, it`s my wife`s dressing table."
Two
men went for a flight in a balloon, but were blown miles
off course by strong winds.
Hopelessly lost, they looked down, and seeing a man
working in a field they decided to ask the way.
They descended to a few feet above the man`s head, and
one of them leaned out of the basket and yelled:
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?"
"Certainly," shouted the man. "You`re in
a balloon!"
"What
do you get if you cross a dog and a cat?"
"An animal that chases itself."
"Do
you say a prayer before dinner?"
"No, there is no need. My mum`s a very good cook."
"One
of my relatives died at Waterloo."
"Really! Which platform?"
"Is
your wife as pretty as ever?"
"Oh, yes! Only it takes her half an hour longer."
Nick
sees two running boys.
"Why are they running?" he asks Peter.
"The boy who comes first gets a prize,"
answers Peter.
"Well, but why is the second boy running then?"
asks Nick.
Nick
sees two running boys.
"Why are they running?" he asks Peter.
"The boy who comes first gets a prize,"
answers Peter.
"Well, but why is the second boy running then?"
asks Nick.
"Why
did the singer stand on a ladder?"
"So he could reach the high notes."
Travelling
on a train, a woman was getting irritated by a girl next
to her who kept sniffing.
"Haven`t you got a handkerchief?" she demanded
crossly.
"Oh, yes," said the girl," but my mum
wouldn`t like me to lend it to a stranger."
"And
what must I do, sergeant, if my parachute doesn`t open
when I jump out?"
"Oh, you just bring it back and I`ll get you
another one."
"Do
you sell invisible ink?"
"Yes, what color would you like?"
"What
does your brother do?"
"He is interested in uplift business."
"Uplift business?"
"Yes," he goes around and says, "stick `em
up!"
Two
cadets discussing their instructors.
"Our instructor talks to himself. Does yours?"
"Yes, he does, but he thinks we`re listening."
"What`s
the smallest room in the world?"
"A mushroom."
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